Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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