I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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