If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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