I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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