I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
