I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
