I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
