tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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