I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
