The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
