So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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