It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
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