yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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