best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
