saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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