i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
