dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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