true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
