I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
