I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
