I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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