I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I could fuck to npr.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
