Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
