So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
