Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
