I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
