if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
