I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ketchup is God's man juice
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
