He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
