It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
