So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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