this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
