The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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