I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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