Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
