his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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