Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
