I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
