You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
