Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
