Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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