Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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