im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
