your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
