accomplished twins. life is a go
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
did i just pee glitter
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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