Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
