Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
