Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
