You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
