He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
