Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
