I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dicks are not precious.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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