Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
