I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
