She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
