I'm so fucking centered right now
Someone shit on the floor
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
