I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Damn victory sex feels great
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize