Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
