I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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