good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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