I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
