Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
