if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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