Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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