there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Randomize
