I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize