i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
